Vittoria says...

Calling it a day

Tess, 22 from Surrey asks...

I'm fairly convinced my boyfriend of seven years is being unfaithful. He has cheated on me twice before, but then I cheated on him too when I was travelling, and we managed to put these episodes behind us. Now though he comes home smelling of perfume and often it's very late when he gets back from work. Sometimes he says he's seeing a friend at the weekend then he comes back acting distant. I often ask him if something's up but he never gives anything away. In truth, I'm worried what might happen if I ask him if he's seeing someone. If I'm wrong, he might leave me. What should I do?

Vittoria says...

Poor you...your relationship appears to be dissolving as quickly and tragically as an Arctic snow cap. All this pussy-footing around your boyfriend, his refusal to talk about anything of consequence, your avoidance of important issues, your terror that he'll leave you if you lob him with a false accusation - it all points to serious, possibly irreparable cracks in your union.
What concerns me most is the idea that your boyfriend might indeed dump you if you accuse him unfairly - this is not at all what I'd expect from an innocent man in a committed relationship. For him to take offence or show angry indignation would be understandable, but for him to send the past seven years up in smoke over his girlfriend expressing a suspicion of infidelity would be pure madness.
To my mind, these would only be the actions of a man looking for a way out of a relationship; a man who's willing to snatch at the most spindly of straws in order to make this happen. Is this really where you're at in this relationship? If so, then please find the courage to accelerate the final act. It's miserable living in limbo, dragging yourself through the day in a state of grief, insecurity and gut-wrenching fear of rejection.
If the end is inevitable, do you really want to draw it out any longer than you absolutely must? Of course not! So come on, sit the man down and ask him squarely: Are you sleeping with another woman? Be clear in your mind how you'll react if he 'fesses up. If, on the other hand, he denies a dalliance and your allegation turns out to be unfounded, have the humility to apologise profusely. But if an apology isn't enough and your boyfriend uses your 'outrageous' suggestion of infidelity as an excuse to break things up, try to take a positive message away from this outcome - the relationship was terminally sick.
Lastly, if the guy says he's been faithful yet you suspect he's telling a lie, trust your instincts - you've been with him long enough to know when he's telling a porky-pie. Then it's just a matter of overriding your inevitable pride, sadness, anger and fear of the unknown, and calling it quits with this man - it really would be for the best. Good luck.