Vittoria says...

Sophie, 22 from Dorchester asks...

Since I moved in with my boyfriend six months ago our relationship has gradually been breaking down. We never discuss our feelings with one another, we rarely have sex and he seems increasingly unhappy. I've tried talking to him but he becomes more withdrawn and won't admit to the fact that our relationship is going to come to an end if things don't change. I don't understand what's happened, as everything seemed so perfect before we moved in together - we always went out with friends and now all we do is stay in and watch TV. If he isn't willing to make the effort to make this work, should I simply accept it's over or should I keep on trying to work things out?

Break up or breakdown?

Vittoria says...

Might your boyfriend be clinically depressed? Your letter certainly seems to describe all the classic symptoms of depression: anti-social behaviour, flat libido, withdrawal from loved ones, extreme lethargy, an unwillingness to talk.
Perhaps the best and kindest step you could take right now is to nudge him towards a medical centre - a GP should be able to give him a good idea if depressive illness is the cause of his recent stultifying behaviour. A psychiatrist would later be able to confirm this diagnosis. If depression is indeed found to be to blame for your boyfriend's recent miserable countenance, therapy and/or medication should be able to put him back on a happier, bubblier, more loving pathway - though of course there's also the risk that treatment will give him the strength to break up with you, if at some level he's unhappy in the relationship.

If, on the other hand, your boyfriend turns out not to have depression, then I'm afraid his gloomy, uncommunicative, unloving behaviour makes him guilty of common-or-garden short-sightedness and idiocy. He's taking you and the relationship for granted and this is something you must not accept. I urge you to make one final effort to reach out to him. Let him know that a positive response is not only desired this time but required. If you're worried that he'll start pulling away from you as soon as you raise the topic, write him a letter (much like the one you've sent me!) outlining the extent of your disillusion with the relationship.
Please be clear in your mind about one thing: you can't knit this relationship together single-handedly - working things out is a two-person job. So if your boyfriend's refusal to enter into discussions continues, you'll be left with no choice but to take radical action. You'll have to leave - not necessarily the relationship but the house you're sharing. If this doesn't jolt him into action, then I'm afraid nothing will.